Get to England

It was a beautiful sunny day here in Sunnyland,  but Rufus was feeling a bit down in the dumps. He had set off on his way to the local beach with his trusty walking stick. 'There's always loads of English tourists on the beach' Rufus thought, 'maybe I can scrounge some  money off them'. It was a long walk to the beach but Rufus knew he would benefit from the exercise and it would boost his spirits. The sun was shining brightly and the golden sands were shimmering like a sea of glass. It was packed with tourists and Rufus set up stall in the middle. A cap with a few coins and a mouthorgan to play a bit of music and hey presto the English would give him their hard earned money. He made sure his walking stick was in full view and started playing on the mouthorgan and soon enough the English coins started to fill his cap. The cap itself was far too big for him but it was there for money and not for comfort, after all he was a professional beggar and the English are the most generous people of the European Union, so he knew he could not fail to have several full caps before dinner time. Halfway through the morning and 2 full caps of coins in his bag later, another Beggar set up stall next to him. It was a woman about his age [29] and very pretty. She was also unsteady on her feet and had a stick of her own. "Hello" Rufus said, "Hello" she said, "My name is Rufus, what is yours?".  "I am called Early" she said with a cute smile. "That is an unusual name for a girl" Rufus said with a grin. "I know, my dad was always up at the crack of dawn to get ready for work and he said he would call his first daughter Early. My mum thought he may be just joking but he was not. For years he would call me Early every day." Rufus was amused by this girl and started to get hot under the collar in response to her natural Beauty. "Is this a good spot Rufus?" "Yes it is Rufus replied", "The English are always up and down this beach and they are so easily embarrassed when they see a beggar, they delve into their pockets and give beggars their hard earned cash without a word of comfort to the recipient. This makes it easier for us to make a living out of their lack of realisation of what is really happening to their cash". "In reality  Early, they are too generous for their own good". Early already knew this, she was fully aware of the English way of life and she indeed had placed many an illegal immigrant on their doorsteps to take advantage of the English liking for giving their own money away and what better place than England itself for taking full advantage of their simpletonness. Early was also getting hot under the collar at the sheer ugliness of Rufus, she liked ugly men and Rufus was one helluva ugly barsteward. They were both getting on like sugar and spice and the money was rolling in for both of them. Early was singing her heart out and Rufus was playing his mouthorgan, the English were digging deeper into their pockets and Rufus and Early were happy.

At the end of a long day Early asked Rufus,

"Have you been begging long Rufus"? 

"Yes about 19 years now, I have a villa in Spain and two houses in my own country".

"Do you fancy going to England and asking for Asylum?"

"Asylum from what" Rufus asked bewildered.

Early pondered for a minute and replied,

"We will think of something to get you accepted. I know you could tell the English authorities you have borrowed some money from a loan shark and cannot pay it back and your life is in danger as a result, they will fall for that without doubt because the place is saturated with loan sharks and they will sympathise with your predicament. Once you are in England you can do what you want".

Rufus had never really had the urge to travel, but the thought of going to England to build up his fortune really appealed to him.

"Get me to England Early" he shouted.

"Right Rufus, it will cost you 10,000 in cash and I will get you there"

"Fook me Early I want a ferry ticket, I do not want to buy the place".

Early laughed,

"The money is for the people who organise your trip to England and anyway you will reap the benefits as soon as you land. Take your walking stick with you because that will get you more money and take a pen to fill all the forms at the benefits office".

Early knew that the English were running out of pens.

"Also take a couple of pounds of cannabis as you will not be going through customs, only the legals go through customs".

Rufus was by now getting very excited. He had heard a lot of stories from other professional beggars regarding good old Benefits offices in England. Apparently they are staffed with people who are under instructions to mentally torture their own people, but foreigners are treated with respect and dignity. 'Strange' Rufus thought, 'but who gives a fook what the English do to each other'.

 "Just get to St Malo in France the day after tomorrow at 7.30am, wait in the long queue of people". Early shouted.

"Ok,  I will be there Early" Rufus eagerly replied.

The day after and Rufus waited patiently for Early to meet him at the end of the Asylum seekers queue in St Malo, France. The queue was quite long and people were stopping in their cars to pick up their precious human cargo. A few hours past and  there was no sign of Early, but Rufus had his money so he was not unduly worried. Other people were chatting to each other about what they were going to say to the English authorities and what benefits may be  available to them. One old fella said,

"I am 65 next year so I will be able to retire straight away."

Another was heard to say,

"I should just about get there when my last tooth falls out."

He only wanted some false teeth bless him. Others were showing their various disabilities and scars and wondering how much they were worth in benefits. Rufus was happy to carry his trusty walking stick and was getting a bit agitated,

'Where is Early' he thought. Then a blue jaguar car pulled up at the side of him. Early got out of the car.

"Hi Rufus" she said.

"Hi Early, you are late," he said with a growl.

A big ugly humanly looking thing got out of the other side of the jaguar and Early introduced it to Rufus. "This is Bacterium, it is from the underworld, it is the lowest form of life and should not be considered Human, you will give your money to it".

Rufus never said a word and handed his 10,000 over. Bacterium counted it and nodded its head which looked like  a trifle the kids had half eaten, it was another one helluva ugly barsteward.

"Get in the car" Early shouted to Rufus.

He climbed into the back of the jaguar and  Early and Bacterium got into the front, they set off towards the ferry port.

"you must keep quiet Rufus, I will do all the talking. The French are a bit more relaxed than the English so they will not notice you in the back."

Rufus was getting nervous and was sweating, his ugly face was really wet with sweat but he felt solace in the fact that Bacterium was far uglier. Unfortunately Bacterium was not sweating, in fact it looked quite relaxed, it probably does this sort of thing all the time and is used to it. 

They were now inside the ferry port and Early was talking to the French people in their kiosk.

"Passports please" they said to Early.

She passed them 2 passports. The French never even looked into the back of the car. Rufus was trembling.  "Go to line 3" said the person in the kiosk.

Bacterium quickly set off towards line 3 where there was already quite a few cars parked waiting to go on the ferry. It was now 9.50am and the ferry was due to sail at 10.45am. Early reassured Rufus that everything was going to plan and they would soon be on the ferry.

It was  now  9.55am and the line started to move towards the biggest boat that Rufus had ever seen. It was massive. Slowly, the car travelled over the ramps and into the interior of the ferry, guided by Frenchmen and women towards the vehicles resting place on the lower car deck.

"Right Rufus get all your gear together and get out and act as normal as possible, we do not want to arouse any suspicion. We will go onto the top deck and watch the boat sail and discuss final arrangements for disembarkation". 

Rufus had been wondering how he would be landing in England.

It was now 10.40am and Rufus was on the top deck waiting for Early and Bacterium to appear. It was a lovely sunny day and he could see for miles along the French coast at both sides of the ferry. All the cars and wagons were onboard and the cleaners were on their way off.

'We will be sailing soon' he thought to himself.

At that moment Early and Bacterium sneaked up behind him and grabbed him by the waist and shook him,

"Foook me Early you scared me to fooooking death, do not do that" he shouted.

Early was laughing out loud and even Bacterium's face was showing signs of a smile, poor Rufus was distraught and trembling.

"Relax Rufus" Early said.

The boat started to vibrate and the three of them realised it was setting sail for England at long last. It was going to be a long trip and Early realised she would have to tell Rufus the plan for his disembarkation, but in the meantime she would walk the decks with Bacterium.

"Rufus you stay around here and keep your self to your self, we are going to check the boat out".

"Ok Early" he replied.

Early and Bacterium went off on there journey around the boat. There were loads of people in the bar getting drunk and throwing litter all over the place. Some were spewing up on the decks, others were watching the group on the stage and trying to sing along with them. A few were asleep in their recliner chairs. Others  were talking about how many cigarettes they were taking to England and how much they would make in profit. The thought of how the English government take so much in taxes from their own people made Early smile.

"Well Bacterium, I am beginning to feel sorry for the good old English people, even their own government take advantage of them".

Bacterium laughed for the first time in his life which in turn made Early laugh out loud. They were now entering the cabin area and Early was feeling a bit fruity.

"Bacterium break into one of those cabins and we'll have a shag ". 

She did not have to ask it twice. It grabbed hold of the door and pushed it open in one almighty crash and went into the cabin.

"You are so strong. Come on get those pants down" Early was already undressed and her hairy chest and hairy armpits were dripping with anticipation, waiting  patiently for Bacterium to get his kit off.

"Come on bacterium give me 12 inch and make me bleed".

Bacterium knew he had only a small 3 inch  penis, but he could not let Early down, so he shagged her 4 times and smacked her in the mouth with a wet kipper.

It was 5 hours into the journey and Early found Rufus asleep in an alcove at the back of the boat.

"Wake up Rufus, wake up."

'Rufus was not as ugly asleep' Early thought. His ugliness seemed to flatten out when he was relaxed. "Rufus here is the plan for your disembarkation. At approximately 6pm we will be passing a marker buoy near the Isle of Wight, at this point Bacterium will assist you overboard and into the sea, a small boat will then pick you up and take you to the isle of Wight where you will take a normal ferry to England, therefore bypassing the English customs and Excise and someone will take you into the heart of England where you will be on your own. Just go to the nearest dole office and sign on".

Rufus could not speak, he was dumfounded, he took a deep breath,

"Early have you looked over the side of this boat" he took another deep breath,

"it is a fooking long way down to the sea and what about the very fact I cannot swim."

"Rufus I have a lifejacket here for you to put on when it is time to go over, so do not worry it was made in England, the whole world know them English know how to make Quality Products."

Rufus had never fealt real fear until now and no matter what Early had said he did not feel safe and was dreading the moment of going overboard.

It was now 5.30pm and Early spoke to Rufus.

"It is time for you to get into position, we have to move to the right side of the boat."

They quickly went down to the lower deck and to the back of the boat on the right hand side. Early told Rufus to put the lifejacket on. Once again Rufus started shaking and sweating, he dare not look over the side. Early said to Rufus and Bacterium.

"There is the marker buoy, we have to wait until it is in line with the 2 posts at the end of the boat, then you go over Rufus. The weather is perfect so do not worry."

Rufus was not concerned about the weather, he was more concerned about the distance to the sea from where he was standing and the fact that he could hit the side of the boat on the way down.  There was also the possibility of getting caught in the massive propellers underneath the boat. Good god he was scared.

He was contemplating running and giving himself up to the crew. 'Yes' he thought. 'That is a better option, I will wait until they are off guard and make a run for it'

Unknown to Rufus, the marker buoy was  inline with the 2 posts and without warning all of a sudden Bacterium got hold of Rufus and threw him as far as he could away from the boat and into the sea. Rufus screamed all the way  down. It was like the noise a  banshee  makes when howling at night. The poor bloke was terrified and nearly died of fright. It seemed like forever before he hit the water. When eventually Rufus realised he was floating in the sea, he could see he was so dangerously close to the side of the boat and was floating closer towards the back. His nose was bleeding heavily, half his hair had been ripped out as it was caught on Bacterium's massive gold watch as he threw him overboard. He was in a bad state but was still alive, unfortunately his walking stick was still on the boat.

On the boat people were gathered at the back drinking, sunbathing and observing the sea.

"There is someone in the water." shouted a person.

"Good god, yes there is." another replied.

"Go tell the captain." shouted a woman.

Perisher was stood at the side of this woman, he was an Englishman who had been on holiday to France with his girlfriend Salteena and at that time was relaxing on the top deck of the ferry.

"Hey Salteena, can you see him?"

"Yes I can." she replied.

"He has got a yellow lifejacket on, he must be off another ship."

There were quite a few boats around the area of the massive ferryboat and Rufus looked so small to the people who were observing from the top deck.

'would anyone pick him up' they thought.

Perisher and Salteena watched Rufus closely and sometimes the wash from the massive ferry would hide Rufus from view. He seemed to be floating gently away from the ferry.

"We are turning around" Perisher said.

"They will try to pick him up" Salteena replied.

Perisher could not help but notice a small white cabin cruiser seemed to be heading straight for Rufus, he observed it seemed to be coming from the Isle of Wight . 'Maybe it is just a coincidence, but the skipper of that little boat knows he is there.'

This Cabin Cruiser headed straight for Rufus

At this time the ferry had turned around and was in the process of searching for Rufus. The lifeboats and the coastguard  were on their way, a flotilla of small boats were joining the search.


"Salteena?" Perisher shouted.

"Look at that white cabin cruiser, it is heading straight for the person in the sea."

By now Rufus was only a tiny speck in the ocean, but Perisher had good eyes and he knew that it was impossible for the person driving that cabin cruiser to know  that this particular person was in the sea. "Something fishy going on Salteena" he said.

The ferry was steering towards the area and Perisher and Salteena had to move to another part of the boat to get a better view, unfortunately when they got there the cabin cruiser was not in view.

"where is it?" Perisher shouted to Salteena.

"I do not know Perisher." she replied.

The coastguard helicopter and the lifeboat had joined in the search for the person in the sea, everybody had their eyes peeled looking for the mystery missing person  in the ocean, only 2 people on the boat knew who the person in the ocean was and that was Early and Bacterium and as sure as new labour were going to raise taxes, they were not going to say anything.


The Coastguard Helicopter and Lifeboat join the search for Rufus


People look out for Rufus


For a good hour Perisher and Salteena and everyone on the boat for that matter were watching out for the mysterious person missing at sea, then a message came over the boats tannoy system saying the search was being called off and slowly the boat turned around to go into Portsmouth harbour and disembark.

Early and  Bacterium were relieved that another successful mission was accomplished and they were 10.000 richer. Their Evil trade in Human Trafficking will resume.

Rufus was still on the cabin cruiser with an unknown man tending to his injuries.

"you will live" said the man to Rufus.

But Rufus knew that it was only the start of is problems and he only wished he had never met Early that day.

They make their escape.

The story is purely and utterly fiction.  [Well some of it is]

This Story is by Albutross  2003 and any resemblance to other strange stories is purely coincidental.

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